Spiritual Warfare

I knew this would be hard.  I knew that visiting an orphanage run by Soviet era doctors and nannies who try to care, but still treat it as "just a job", and seeing all the lost little faces would be tough.  I knew our son would be tiny, not quite as tiny as he actually is, but I knew he would not be a typical 4.5 yr old.  In fact he is about the same height and weight as our 2 yr old, who was a preemie and had Failure to Thrive the two years of her life and is tiny herself by American 2 yr old standards.  All the 3T in his closet back home will have to wait until we get some Chick-fil-A and chocolate milk in him.  ;)

What I did not expect was to be an emotional wreck.  I was fine on the way here, fine when we got here, fine in Kiev, and fine until the day we met him. I have cried since Thursday night, and didn't eat at all today.  My stomach is queasy.  I am shaky and can't sleep well.  My heart is begging to go home.  I miss my girls more than words can describe.  I am so homesick that I am physically sick.  But it's not him, he will fit in so perfectly in our family, it is obviously a God ordained thing.  Oh how he loves his Papa!  But Satan is not happy, and I can physically feel it.  He is not happy that one of his orphans, that he claims for a lifetime of misery, is finally learning what joy is.  He is not happy that we are taking back what he tried to steal from God, that we are claiming victory for this lost little one.

You may not believe me.  You may think I am over-exaggerating.  But believe me when I tell you that this IS spiritual warfare, adoption and caring for God's least of these.

I am not the type to leave my kids for extended periods.  I have never been away from them for more than a few hours.  Even in the hospital when the younger ones were born, my girls were by my side.  I miss Tate's goofy smile when she comes up with another silly middle school girl idea.  I miss Autie's hugs and kisses, and her twinkly blue eyes.  I miss Mattie snuggling with me at night.  I miss the squeals and the laughter.  I miss the joy of home.

There is no joy here.  It is very dark here.  Very dark.  Yet, I have light.  I have Jesus and faith that He has brought me this far and will get me through this.  I cannot do this alone, but I can do this with Him..  Little by little, day by day, I can get through this.  I have faith that God will carry me through this because He promised me He would.  I am following His call, and He will take care of me.  He never promised easy.  He never promised fun.  He promised only that He'd hold me while I walk where He has told me to go.