Spiritual Warfare

I knew this would be hard.  I knew that visiting an orphanage run by Soviet era doctors and nannies who try to care, but still treat it as "just a job", and seeing all the lost little faces would be tough.  I knew our son would be tiny, not quite as tiny as he actually is, but I knew he would not be a typical 4.5 yr old.  In fact he is about the same height and weight as our 2 yr old, who was a preemie and had Failure to Thrive the two years of her life and is tiny herself by American 2 yr old standards.  All the 3T in his closet back home will have to wait until we get some Chick-fil-A and chocolate milk in him.  ;)

What I did not expect was to be an emotional wreck.  I was fine on the way here, fine when we got here, fine in Kiev, and fine until the day we met him. I have cried since Thursday night, and didn't eat at all today.  My stomach is queasy.  I am shaky and can't sleep well.  My heart is begging to go home.  I miss my girls more than words can describe.  I am so homesick that I am physically sick.  But it's not him, he will fit in so perfectly in our family, it is obviously a God ordained thing.  Oh how he loves his Papa!  But Satan is not happy, and I can physically feel it.  He is not happy that one of his orphans, that he claims for a lifetime of misery, is finally learning what joy is.  He is not happy that we are taking back what he tried to steal from God, that we are claiming victory for this lost little one.

You may not believe me.  You may think I am over-exaggerating.  But believe me when I tell you that this IS spiritual warfare, adoption and caring for God's least of these.

I am not the type to leave my kids for extended periods.  I have never been away from them for more than a few hours.  Even in the hospital when the younger ones were born, my girls were by my side.  I miss Tate's goofy smile when she comes up with another silly middle school girl idea.  I miss Autie's hugs and kisses, and her twinkly blue eyes.  I miss Mattie snuggling with me at night.  I miss the squeals and the laughter.  I miss the joy of home.

There is no joy here.  It is very dark here.  Very dark.  Yet, I have light.  I have Jesus and faith that He has brought me this far and will get me through this.  I cannot do this alone, but I can do this with Him..  Little by little, day by day, I can get through this.  I have faith that God will carry me through this because He promised me He would.  I am following His call, and He will take care of me.  He never promised easy.  He never promised fun.  He promised only that He'd hold me while I walk where He has told me to go.

So far so good

We made it to Ukraine on Tuesday afternoon, and headed to a small town about an hour from downtown called Brovary, where some Facebook "friends"-turned dear, sweet real life friends graciously brought us into their home.  This has saved us at least $400 in food and lodging, but more incredibly than that, God provided for us by giving us a "home" and not a hotel and friends who are not only willing to help, but actually worry for our safety and our mental health while we are getting the first bit of madness out of the way.  I LOVE how God has provided for us with so many friends to help us, so that we have had such an enjoyable paperchase and first two days in a foreign country.  It doesn't even feel like we are away from home, except that everyone speaks a different language, and I am missing my girlies terribly.  Ukraine looks  A LOT like Kansas.  Same weather, same landscape.  And our friends have a beautiful home and family.  We got in before the children awoke from their naps, and when they got up we were greeted with five set of arms wrapped around our necks and five instant BFF's.  Whoever says kids with DS should be aborted before given a chance to love and live needs to experience these five.  They are beautiful souls.

We went to DAP to look at our child's file today.  There were two sweet baby pictures that we will receive later in the process.  I am really excited about that!  I was praying for baby pictures.  Seems silly, but it will be important to our kiddo some day.  Tomorrow we go back to pick up the referral, then we board a night train to his region.  We will arrive at 7am and be able to meet him shortly after that!  Two more sleeps until we meet our son!!

Only one  more sleep until he will know what love is.

Deep breaths...

Tomorrow I leave to go to my parents' house.  I am leaving three of my four girls with her and counting on a village to take care of them for the next month.  I will leave on Thursday to come back and pack and I won't see my children again till we come home with Newbie in mid-September.  This is the first time I have ever left town without my kids, and I am leaving the country.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Inhale...

I am leaving my flock to find the long lost one.  It is SO HARD.  May May turns 5 and goes to her first day of kindergarten (on the same day!) and I won't be here.  I have NEVER missed a birthday or a first day of school!! I am so so sad about this.  Did I forget to exhale? .... Exhale.  Inhale....

The next few weeks are going to be a circus for my flock.  They will be in KS for 2 weeks and back home for 2 weeks with my husband, then another 2 weeks with my husband's mom at our house, and another week at home with my mom.  They will be starting school, and having orthodontist appointments, and living without me for 5 whole weeks. (Hopefully less)

I am hyperventilating just thinking about this.

May May asked me tonight what she was supposed to do if she got scared at night without me here.  GASP!  I am wondering who is going to tickle her feet softly as she falls asleep?  Who is going to squeeze Autie?  Who is going to laugh with Tate?  I know everyone who is caring for them loves them.  But they don't love them the way I love them!  I know them like no one else knows them.

I wish I could afford airfare for everyone!  I would just take them with me!!

It makes me feel somewhat better knowing that their daddy is coming home between the referral appointment and the court appointment to care for them, to see them off to their first day of school.  I dislike that I will be away for so so long, though.  It was just more cost effective for him to come back alone than for us to buy TWO tickets twice.  Raimie has to stay with me, since she still nurses.  I didn't think such a stressful time for the whole family would be a good time to cut her off cold turkey or try to provoke her to weaning.  (We are of the "child-led weaning" persuasion.)

I am so glad I will have one of my girlies with me to keep me company.

Please keep my family in your prayers over then next several weeks.  This is a new adventure for all of us.  But we all know it's worth it in the end.

Mixed Emotions

     We finally got our appointment date!  Believe it or not, it's August 21!  We were expecting Sept 3 or later.  This changed a lot for us. Having such a late date actually changed a lot for us.  We expected to travel in June or July.  We are thankful we did not, though, because we avoided a huge delay that would have cost us more money and even more precious to us, time away from our girlies!

      August is a busy month for us, gearing up for school and having Matalie's birthday.  This August is no different except we are scrambling to get our act together to leave the country on August 19! And we did not find out our date till July 30, complicating things even more.  After working things out amongst several people over the past 3 days, we finally have come to an arrangement that will just have to work.  It's not ideal but we will just have to trust that it all works out, both here and overseas.  The girls start school August 26th, Matalie's 5th birthday. I feel like the worst mom on earth by not being there for one of the biggest and scariest days of her life thus far... My hubby will be here to take care of them, as he is coming back to the US after we get the first round of paperwork done, so at least one of us can be here for her.  He will have to return, and yes, it will cost extra to do it this way, but it is what works for us and everyone who has generously agreed to help us.  He will be home and at work for nearly 2 weeks, which fills in a huge gap of child care that we needed to fill, and it will save some work vacation days he is using so he can take some time off to help when we get home with our newbie.

Sometimes you have to go through a few mountains and valleys to leave the flock to find the lost sheep...

So, we are busy packing and making arrangements at schools and getting the house as ready as possible for Grandma and Grammy to come and help out.I have grocery shopping to do, meals to make and freeze, travel shopping, packing, etc.

This is a wild ride and we haven't even got on the plane yet!!