Homesick

Things I miss about home:

• ICE in my drinks
• Sweet Tea, HEB tortillas, Two Step, Chick-fil-A, 
• Having a well-stocked diaper bag (Didn't bring one because it was too much to carry)
• Washer AND dryer
• Having more than one pair of jeans (hubs accidentally took my other pair back with him! OOPS!)
• Driving my van
• Going where I want when I want, and knowing how to get there
• The playroom in our house -- lots of entertainment for my little one!
• my bed and pillow
• Water from the tap
• Fresh fruits and vegetables, especially cucumbers
• Being in the same time zone as my children, and my friends and family
• Routine
• ENGLISH BILLBOARDS (yes, even in San Antonio, where English is the second language!)
• People who smile and talk friendly to you, even if they don't know you. 
• Most of all, my kids.  I can't stand being away from them.  It's breaks my heart daily.
• My Bible -- I brought my Nook, but the cord broke.  I have one on my husband's phone, but that's small.  I have my laptop.  I have access to God's Word, but I just love the familiarity and the feel of my big, thick, leather bound Bible.  It was too heavy to pack. :'(

Things I like About Ukraine

• It actually looks a lot like Kansas here!
• The weather is AWESOME!  70 or below, rainy...I know it doesn't sound awesome but hey, I live in San Antonio.  Anything other than HOT and HUMID is awesome!
• The Malones and Jamie
• Hearing worship songs in Russian at the Malones' church!!

Spiritual Warfare

I knew this would be hard.  I knew that visiting an orphanage run by Soviet era doctors and nannies who try to care, but still treat it as "just a job", and seeing all the lost little faces would be tough.  I knew our son would be tiny, not quite as tiny as he actually is, but I knew he would not be a typical 4.5 yr old.  In fact he is about the same height and weight as our 2 yr old, who was a preemie and had Failure to Thrive the two years of her life and is tiny herself by American 2 yr old standards.  All the 3T in his closet back home will have to wait until we get some Chick-fil-A and chocolate milk in him.  ;)

What I did not expect was to be an emotional wreck.  I was fine on the way here, fine when we got here, fine in Kiev, and fine until the day we met him. I have cried since Thursday night, and didn't eat at all today.  My stomach is queasy.  I am shaky and can't sleep well.  My heart is begging to go home.  I miss my girls more than words can describe.  I am so homesick that I am physically sick.  But it's not him, he will fit in so perfectly in our family, it is obviously a God ordained thing.  Oh how he loves his Papa!  But Satan is not happy, and I can physically feel it.  He is not happy that one of his orphans, that he claims for a lifetime of misery, is finally learning what joy is.  He is not happy that we are taking back what he tried to steal from God, that we are claiming victory for this lost little one.

You may not believe me.  You may think I am over-exaggerating.  But believe me when I tell you that this IS spiritual warfare, adoption and caring for God's least of these.

I am not the type to leave my kids for extended periods.  I have never been away from them for more than a few hours.  Even in the hospital when the younger ones were born, my girls were by my side.  I miss Tate's goofy smile when she comes up with another silly middle school girl idea.  I miss Autie's hugs and kisses, and her twinkly blue eyes.  I miss Mattie snuggling with me at night.  I miss the squeals and the laughter.  I miss the joy of home.

There is no joy here.  It is very dark here.  Very dark.  Yet, I have light.  I have Jesus and faith that He has brought me this far and will get me through this.  I cannot do this alone, but I can do this with Him..  Little by little, day by day, I can get through this.  I have faith that God will carry me through this because He promised me He would.  I am following His call, and He will take care of me.  He never promised easy.  He never promised fun.  He promised only that He'd hold me while I walk where He has told me to go.

So far so good

We made it to Ukraine on Tuesday afternoon, and headed to a small town about an hour from downtown called Brovary, where some Facebook "friends"-turned dear, sweet real life friends graciously brought us into their home.  This has saved us at least $400 in food and lodging, but more incredibly than that, God provided for us by giving us a "home" and not a hotel and friends who are not only willing to help, but actually worry for our safety and our mental health while we are getting the first bit of madness out of the way.  I LOVE how God has provided for us with so many friends to help us, so that we have had such an enjoyable paperchase and first two days in a foreign country.  It doesn't even feel like we are away from home, except that everyone speaks a different language, and I am missing my girlies terribly.  Ukraine looks  A LOT like Kansas.  Same weather, same landscape.  And our friends have a beautiful home and family.  We got in before the children awoke from their naps, and when they got up we were greeted with five set of arms wrapped around our necks and five instant BFF's.  Whoever says kids with DS should be aborted before given a chance to love and live needs to experience these five.  They are beautiful souls.

We went to DAP to look at our child's file today.  There were two sweet baby pictures that we will receive later in the process.  I am really excited about that!  I was praying for baby pictures.  Seems silly, but it will be important to our kiddo some day.  Tomorrow we go back to pick up the referral, then we board a night train to his region.  We will arrive at 7am and be able to meet him shortly after that!  Two more sleeps until we meet our son!!

Only one  more sleep until he will know what love is.

Deep breaths...

Tomorrow I leave to go to my parents' house.  I am leaving three of my four girls with her and counting on a village to take care of them for the next month.  I will leave on Thursday to come back and pack and I won't see my children again till we come home with Newbie in mid-September.  This is the first time I have ever left town without my kids, and I am leaving the country.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Inhale...

I am leaving my flock to find the long lost one.  It is SO HARD.  May May turns 5 and goes to her first day of kindergarten (on the same day!) and I won't be here.  I have NEVER missed a birthday or a first day of school!! I am so so sad about this.  Did I forget to exhale? .... Exhale.  Inhale....

The next few weeks are going to be a circus for my flock.  They will be in KS for 2 weeks and back home for 2 weeks with my husband, then another 2 weeks with my husband's mom at our house, and another week at home with my mom.  They will be starting school, and having orthodontist appointments, and living without me for 5 whole weeks. (Hopefully less)

I am hyperventilating just thinking about this.

May May asked me tonight what she was supposed to do if she got scared at night without me here.  GASP!  I am wondering who is going to tickle her feet softly as she falls asleep?  Who is going to squeeze Autie?  Who is going to laugh with Tate?  I know everyone who is caring for them loves them.  But they don't love them the way I love them!  I know them like no one else knows them.

I wish I could afford airfare for everyone!  I would just take them with me!!

It makes me feel somewhat better knowing that their daddy is coming home between the referral appointment and the court appointment to care for them, to see them off to their first day of school.  I dislike that I will be away for so so long, though.  It was just more cost effective for him to come back alone than for us to buy TWO tickets twice.  Raimie has to stay with me, since she still nurses.  I didn't think such a stressful time for the whole family would be a good time to cut her off cold turkey or try to provoke her to weaning.  (We are of the "child-led weaning" persuasion.)

I am so glad I will have one of my girlies with me to keep me company.

Please keep my family in your prayers over then next several weeks.  This is a new adventure for all of us.  But we all know it's worth it in the end.

Mixed Emotions

     We finally got our appointment date!  Believe it or not, it's August 21!  We were expecting Sept 3 or later.  This changed a lot for us. Having such a late date actually changed a lot for us.  We expected to travel in June or July.  We are thankful we did not, though, because we avoided a huge delay that would have cost us more money and even more precious to us, time away from our girlies!

      August is a busy month for us, gearing up for school and having Matalie's birthday.  This August is no different except we are scrambling to get our act together to leave the country on August 19! And we did not find out our date till July 30, complicating things even more.  After working things out amongst several people over the past 3 days, we finally have come to an arrangement that will just have to work.  It's not ideal but we will just have to trust that it all works out, both here and overseas.  The girls start school August 26th, Matalie's 5th birthday. I feel like the worst mom on earth by not being there for one of the biggest and scariest days of her life thus far... My hubby will be here to take care of them, as he is coming back to the US after we get the first round of paperwork done, so at least one of us can be here for her.  He will have to return, and yes, it will cost extra to do it this way, but it is what works for us and everyone who has generously agreed to help us.  He will be home and at work for nearly 2 weeks, which fills in a huge gap of child care that we needed to fill, and it will save some work vacation days he is using so he can take some time off to help when we get home with our newbie.

Sometimes you have to go through a few mountains and valleys to leave the flock to find the lost sheep...

So, we are busy packing and making arrangements at schools and getting the house as ready as possible for Grandma and Grammy to come and help out.I have grocery shopping to do, meals to make and freeze, travel shopping, packing, etc.

This is a wild ride and we haven't even got on the plane yet!!

Not so good at this...

The updates have been few and far between for two reasons:  one is my laptop's motherboard and hard drive crashed at the same time!  (You know you're adopting when....LOL) The other is that we have not had anything exciting happen since my last post.

We were submitted May 30 and registered and approved June 19.  Usually, it only takes a week or two after being registered to receive a letter of invitation to the DAP, i.e. a "travel date".  That has not been the case for us.  And we don't know why.

We should have known our date by the first week of July, at the latest.  Our date should have been 4 weeks after that, so around late July/early August.  Some people who submitted the same week we were submitted already have their dates and they are last week of July and first week or August.  We still don't have an official invitation letter.  On July 5, our facilitator called the DAP to ask them if we had a date yet, and was told that it was "middle of August", but they would not give an exact date on the phone.  They then said that the letter could be picked up July 9 or 10.  But when our facilitator went to pick them up, there was no letter!  The DAP said they had to reschedule all dates! UGH!

Our facilitator called the DAP to get to the bottom of things on July 12.  The DAP said that our child's diagnosis was not on the "first line" list.  This "first line" list is the list of special needs that get appointments sooner.  We were placed in the "regular line" with healthy kids.  Our kiddo is far from healthy.   An in fact, the main diagnosis is on the list!  So, our facilitator, being the awesome advocate that she is for both our family and our kiddo, drove all the way to our child's orphanage to speak to the director and to ask the director to write a letter to the DAP stating our child's need for medical attention.  The director refused, but did say they were happy we were adopting this kiddo and would receive us with great pleasure when we got there!  (The director also would not allow for any information or photos, saying that the referral was needed for those things! UGH x 2!!)

Our facilitator then drove all the way back to the DAP to ask for the date.  They still could not give an answer, only that now it looked like end of August.  UGH x 3!!!!  The DAP told our facilitator to call back on Friday July 19.  

On July 19, our facilitator made a call and was told that we were on the list for Sept 3, but it still was not set in stone, it needed the approval of the director.  We heard NOTHING for a week.

That brings us to today.  Our facilitator called the DAP today and was told to call back at 4pm (their time).  We still do not know anything.  Still.... nothing.... not one iota....  sigh.

I just want to get there and get home.  I want to be here for the first day of school for Matalie.  She is going into kindergarten this year.  She has selective mutism and that makes going to school scarier for her than your average 5 yr old.  Oh yeah, and she turns 5 on the first day of school!  I am hoping that taking cupcakes on her first day will alleviate some fears and worries and she will be excited to take cupcakes to school.

I am going insane with worry about childcare.  We were supposed to travel in July.  I took my kids to Kansas in June, hoping to leave them with my parents while we traveled.  We decided after not hearing anything that it would be best to come back home and wait.  I need to get school supplies, school clothes, and get packed up and ready to go.  I am so glad I did that because we came home on July 12, and we still don't know anything!

I am just as lousy at waiting as I am at blogging. 

It's not much....

Keeping up with a crew of 4 (soon to be 5, SQUEEEE!!!) is hard work.  So, when we have invited guests over, I clean like mad all day long, vacuum the carpets 30 minutes before they are due to arrive then fill the house with yummy aromas of something sweet baking in the oven.  And when they walk in the door, I bet you can guess what I say, because I bet you say it too:  "Please pardon the mess!"  I have recently been trying not to do that because I cam to the realization that A) the friends we have over the most see the house at its worst and its best and they forgive the worst because they love us, and B) it really isn't being kind to myself to say that because I should have pride in my home and my work and give myself credit for the work I have done, rather than put myself down for the work I couldn't get done.  (I think I need one of those doormats that says "The house was clean yesterday, I'm sorry you missed it!" HA!)

And I have gotten a similar response from the generous people who have given to us the past couple of months to help raise the ransom for our newest addition.  They give what they can and then say to me, "It's not much.."    I just want to hug them (and often do) and say "It's enough!"

Let's look at the cold hard cash numbers for a minute:

$1 USD =  8.15 Ukrainian hryvnia

1 loaf of fresh white bread  is 4.07 UAH, or $0.50...for a whole loaf of bread!!
2 pounds of potatoes are 4.00 UAH, or about $0.50...!!!!
2 pounds of chicken is 39 UAH, or $4.79 (it's twice that here!!)
1.5 L of bottled water is 6 UAH, or about $0.75

See where I'm going here?

Beyond the facilitator fee and the airline tickets, we are going to have living expenses while there, including groceries and apartment rent.  I have been told it will be about $50/day for the apartment.  We will have to eat, too ;)  We are planning on taking some food with us, but we can't take 3 weeks worth, and we want to try out this new food!

So when you give from a cheerful and generous heart to help a family who is adopting THERE IS NO GIFT TOO SMALL!!  I was talking to the pastor's wife today and sharing the process we are going through and of course, the cost is always a curiosity with everyone.  I don't mind those questions -- I want to teach people about all of the process, and the cost is a major concern for many people.  She ran off for just a moment and came back and stuffed a wad into my hand.  "It's all I have on me." she said.  It's not much...nothing to get excited about."  I looked down at the three crumpled $1 bills in my hand and tears welled up in my eyes.  I told her, "You don't understand.  This will buy at least a day's worth of groceries in the country!"



We need to raise $10,000 in just a couple of weeks.  We should receive our invitation to travel next week!! We should be traveling in July!!!  It seems insurmountable, but I am leaving this in God's hands.  I don't have time to put together another fundraiser.  We have tried so many different fundraisers with little to no interest.  It has been very stressful and disheartening for me.  I sat outside for hours in the hot Texas sun with piles and piles of little girl clothes in our neighborhood wide garage sale and got less than $100 out of that (and someone actually tried to steal from us!!), I have tried the Chick-fil-A spirit night and only got $80, I have done a Flower Power fundraiser, our most successful one to date, and got $550.  I called several people to ask for help doing several different kinds of fundraisers that needed venues bigger than I could handle on my own and got shot down every time.  Every one of those fundraisers is being split with my dearest friend Shelly Burman in an effort to help her out getting her kiddos home, too!  But guess what?  That money, that $400-ish, will cover our groceries for quite a long time...

So when you give to an adopting family, give knowing that your "not much" is HUGE for them!  Even $5 buys a lot more here than it does there.  When we say "Every little bit counts" we really mean it.  And give yourself and God some credit for that gift your giving.  HE will make it go a long long way for that family.  

Besides, I'm pretty sure that widow  in Mark chapter 12 didn't say "It's not much..."